her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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