wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just high enough for therapy.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
