Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
