I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Randomize
