i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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