I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
