im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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