i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
