I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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