I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
