Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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