She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
