also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
