she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
