did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There's always time for handjobs
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
