we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
