That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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