i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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