I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
