This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
