It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You're like the curious george of whores
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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