i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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