I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
