she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
