From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
