the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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