Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
