i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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