and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
