That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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