I feel great
I just peed on a car
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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