I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
