Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
