I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I have aggressive nipples.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
