Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
