it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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