If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
