idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
