pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
