Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
