I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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