Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Randomize
