he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
