"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
