Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
