just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
