tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
