Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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