Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize
