What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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